Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Shine On!


"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves."
--Thomas Edison

Tomorrow I will be 13 weeks out of knee surgery for an ACL repair.  I have had my 12-week checkup; my amazing doctor, my surgeon's PA, has declared that I am "out of the protection phase" and that my knee is stable.  In physical therapy, I've graduated to ladder drills along with the five-billion squats and lunges that are standard for this stage of recovery.  Overall, I am making progress.

Post PT icing - and a moment to reflect. 


I went through a slump a week or so ago, though. It's easy to fit in your PT when you're not really moving anywhere, and when the ability to bend your knee closely hinges on whether or not you've done your exercises.  Once I graduated to squats, that dependence on exercise wasn't as closely felt - though believe me, I know exercises are still very necessary.  It's just that I got to a point where I was back at work, bustin' out 10,000 + steps a day on the old pedometer and feeling a lot freer - and a lot less frustrated - in avoiding my exercises.

The problem with all of that was that there were certain times where my knee would hyper-extend.  Those times would remind me that I really needed to do my squats.  So at week 12, I found myself recommitted to my exercises.  And at week 13 I feel a lot stronger.

I still can't jump.  I can hop, but it really doesn't look like hopping; it's more of a strange half pounce that takes a lot to coordinate.  I'm not that great with my balance - I never was - and there's still pain in my knee.  After all, it's only week 13.  But after doing my physical therapy, and after feeling like I did a lot of work but yet still feeling down about it, I was given a great reminder: "Be proud of your accomplishments."

And that really struck me.  It's been a week for me of reframing, of taking my perspective and trying to shift it.  Sometimes I do things just to do them, or get through them, and I don't really take the time to honor and respect the work I've done.  13 weeks ago my knee was cut open and a hole was put into it.  I'd say hopping, right now, is a pretty big deal.

Accomplishments are important to acknowledge.  When I graduated high school, I went to work for a daycare that served kids with special needs, ages 0-21.  There I worked with toddlers who had a range of disabilities; one particular kiddo was delayed in her ability to speak or even feed herself.  Every day, staff would prepare her meal and carefully feed her snack and lunch, surrounded by the eight other students we were supporting, teaching and re-teaching her how to hold a spoon and hold her cup.  And every day we would repeat the process.

Until one day.  The adults in the room were engaged in something; I don't quite remember what (this was in 1997) - perhaps it was serving the other students lunch, perhaps someone had dumped their milk, perhaps we were dismissing a student for the day.  Either way, this particular student wasn't being fed while the milk sat on her tray, in a sippy-cup, in front of her.  Before we had the chance to complete whatever activity we were engaged in, we heard a shriek.  We turned to find our kiddo, with a smile as huge as the sun, holding her cup and drinking heavily out of it. 

I will never forget that smile.  I will never forget that moment.  It's a moment that I've held onto as an example of how sometimes it takes a lot of time, and a lot of work, but eventually - eventually - you get a result.  I remember how I felt - so very proud of her - and how happy she was to experience that success.  I hold that moment as a key moment to help me through days and weeks of teaching - sometimes the same thing over and over and over and over - until the kids get it.  And when the kids get it, oh, what a feeling!

So why am I not applying that same sense of pride to myself?  It's easy to feel that pride when we see it manifested in work outside of ourselves.  Some of us build buildings, some treat clients, some teach students how to read.  And when it comes together - oh, what a feeling!  Many people I know are so good - so skilled - at taking care of other people. But when it comes to ourselves?

Not so much.

And I think that being proud of our own accomplishments is part of that.  I know for me, being proud of my accomplishments is important.  It's part of self care, and self love.  Being proud is so often equated with being greedy or selfish.  I think often people avoid healthy pride because we are so afraid that we might tip the scale.  I was part of a church group for a long time that warned, so often, of not being "prideful."  No way was I going to let my ego get out of hand!  I know that I, personally, internalized the idea, putting an end to any celebration of my own accomplishments.

love is the way to do it!

It's a part of my own self-care that I've been working to get back. It's important to be proud. It's important to celebrate.  And it's important to look at where I've been, and smile, and say "Yeah, I did that.  And it's awesome." I deserve it.  You deserve it.  That's what self-love is all about. I'd do it for a friend; make sure they celebrated a promotion or enjoyed an accomplishment.  It's important to be a friend to ourselves, too.  It's a great message for me today. 

So yeah, graduating to hopping is a pretty big deal!  It looks weird sometimes, but I'm pretty proud of that - and all of the physical, emotional, and spiritual work I'm putting in!  There's a long road to go, but the road has been pretty long already, and in life there are always roads to travel.

What are you proud of?  What's making your smile shine? How much better will it be when we can all take care of ourselves, have pride in what we do, feel confidence, and smile like the sun!





Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My High Point

I've been thinking about waking up the blog for a while.  Today is as good of a day as any - a better one perhaps, because I just spent time talking with a colleague about my day and that talk really changed my perspective on it.

I'm a person who tries to be positive - I try to assume the best, work with people's strengths, and send love and positivity out into the world when I can.  Being a teacher of students with behavioral disorders makes this particularly important for my own health and well-being.  But there are days - days like today - that can be a little rough.  Some are rougher than others, and today wasn't by any means the worst  (then we get into cops and manifestation meetings), but it was rough.  Maybe it's the cold that's beginning to creep in, maybe it's the time shift that is so close, but those personal things combined with students who struggled with listening, following directions, and their own frustrations (think a lot of tears, some yelling, and yes, a broken window), led to a day a little tougher than most.

So I drove home trying to think of a way to manage my stress.  It's not overwhelming, but it's definitely something I have to keep on top of, especially since lately I'm recovering from ACL reconstruction and can't run and jump and play as Tigger-like as I typically do.  (Tiggers in knee-braces are less bouncy).  So I thought about jump starting the blog.  The initial title of this post was "Today Another Window Broke" and I was going to try to write my way out of my funk.  But then, a colleague called, one who I've missed working with very much, and after describing to me her day, and the experiences she had tutoring a mutual student, she asked me the following question:

"What was the high point of your day?"

And it took me a minute to answer.  Not because there weren't high points, but just because sometimes it takes a moment, especially when our mental-needle is playing a song on the "God, I'm frustrated!" record groove of thought, to shift over to another vinyl.

The high point of my day?  I helped a student who was so frustrated with his own behavior that he was crying see what he was doing to himself in a different way.  We'd tried group games this morning - the students had to take a rope; they were led to a tree to tie a knot.  He'd immediately jumped in, with less then perfect social skills, trying to take over the group of 10+ students and be the leader.  It didn't work out well for him.  He became frustrated, and carried the frustration from that 10-15 minute game (which we will play again tomorrow) throughout his day, until he ended up blowing two other classes, yelling at staff, and having to be removed.  We talked, one he had calmed down, and he said "I tried to reverse it, and I couldn't!"  He was forlorn. I asked him to come with me to the sink.

I told him, "The sink is you.  The water is your behavior."  Turning the sink on slightly, I told him, "Sometimes, we turn behavior on." He looked at the stream of water.  I told him then, "Sometimes, behavior gets turned on too strongly."  I turned the water on full blast. 

I looked at him, and said "Reverse it."

He turned the water off, and I corrected him.  "You turned it off.  Reverse it."

He looked at me quizzically and then played along, getting his hands wet in an attempt to put the water back in the faucet.  "You can't reverse it," he said.  We talked about how once it's done, it's done.  You can't take back what you do.  The only way to go forward is to deal with what you start.

The water was filling up a small bucket underneath the sink.  I asked him, what could he do about his behavior.  He followed my thinking, and quickly answered "I can turn my behavior off." 

He proceeded to turn the water off.  I affirmed his action, then pointed out the bucket, noting that his 'behavior' had filled it up.  I asked him to stretch out his arm, and placed the small bucket on his outstretched hand.   I asked him "If you hold onto the bucket, how does it feel"

"It's heavy" he replied.

I told him to pretend that was his behavior from the games this morning.  And then, because he didn't turn his behavior "off" in multiple classes, I filled the bucket more and put it back on his hand.  I asked him "How does it feel now, that there's more in there?"

"It's heavier!  And it's hurting my arm."  He put down the bucket.

I asked him, when we have problem behavior, what is our choice?  He looked at me for a moment, and he said "We can hold onto it."

"Which makes it  heavier.  Or...."  I was hoping he would see what I saw.

"We can let it go."  He smiled. 

I'm describing the interaction in much more detail; in real-life, it took about five minutes.  I'm grateful the idea landed in my lap, because I think it helped him understand a little of what he was doing; holding onto his problem behavior and his perceived - or real - "failures" and not taking the opportunity to regroup, reset, and change. 

I'd have forgotten this moment if my colleague hadn't have asked me about my high point.  I'd have let the day wash away, remembering only the adrenaline of hasty walkie-talkie calls and ruminating over why I couldn't get one kid to care about his homework or another to stop falling asleep in class.

There are high points.  Beautiful, amazing, high points that may just seem like part of the day to day, a product of "what we do," but that really matter in the long run.  What we do matters.  Sometimes forever, sometimes just for a moment, but either way it makes the world a better place. 

What was your high point today?